The Avengers: Disassembled

Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Illustrated by: David Finch (and others)

Padraic brought up the fact that the House of Idea has decided to hit the bright, shiny rewind button on a lot of the stuff that has happened in the last couple years in the 'ol 616 (Civil War, Spidey's unmasking, death of Steve, etc). It's altogether infuriating, albeit not surprising that they have done so. In fact, I can remember Curtis and I talking a while back about how they should just man up, grow a pair, and kill Iron Man or something. Just friggin' do it already, quit jerking us around. Yeah, people bitch, yes, these characters are beloved, yes, yes, yes, fat kids would cry, but come on! You're grown ups! Do something groundbreaking, do something that takes guts! Make a decision and stick with it! If you write yourself into a corner, well, then, guess what? "Tough titty," said the kitty, "But, the milk's still good." Well, that's what my step-dad would say, anyway.

In any case, Padraic mentioned that he was going to go back to when this whole mess started, around the time that Avengers: Disassembled came out, to try to read between the lines, so to speak. Apparently, (probably after being prodded by frustrated, high-strung fan turds like myself) Bendis has hinted that the reason for these rewinds isn't because the writers are stuck in a glass box after the ramifications of Civil War, Spidey's press conference, etc., but it's because of, well, something else that happened, er, before, um, and yeah, you'll have to go back and read... um, other stuff. In other words, he's still working it out in his fat, shiny head. Maybe you guys could set me straight on this, because I haven't been keeping up (the bakery doesn't pay me in comics like you guys do) but I heard some shit about Mysterio showing up and giving Parker the old "chance to do it all again." Mysterio? You have got to be pulling my dick. THAT SUCKS. Mysterio? There just aren't any words. I've got no problem with Bendis; in fact, I usually stick up for the guy and a lot of the BS he's churned out since working for Marvel, but after reading it, I think Avengers: Disassembled should instead be called Avengers: Disappointing.

I'm going to give you some bullets, though, of the parts I sort of liked (spoiler alert):

• Stark gets wasted. I mean crocked. At a UN conference, no less. He goes on to call the Latverian delegate "ratfink" and, my favorite, "pally." Funny stuff - Oh, and remember how I said Stark got wasted? Not really.
• The obligatory two-page gatefold featuring virtually the entire Marvel Universe at the end of issue #501. Oh, heavens. In our darkest hour, our friends have all shown up to help us, in costume, in a badass pose, right outside the rubble of Avenger's headquarters. They're all there, even Puck, arms crossed (some with fists on hips), looking so badass. Look at how badass they all look. All of them.
• She-Hulk flips out, throws a truck onto Captain America, rips The Vision in half.
• Cap gets BuddaBuddaBudda-ed by a bunch of magic mind Nazis.

You should read this, but only when you're pooping. I give it a 'prick' out of 'tease'.